Memory Loss

My brain is in a state of flux. I hadn't really noticed until one day a friend asked me to participate in a game of finding mistakes. It was indeed a simple task of focusing and selecting, but somehow it took me a great deal of mental strength. I felt as if I was pulling tons of weight using a severely stiffed muscle.

Sure the signs have always been there. I've always have trouble remembering people's name and their birthdays. A person can be around me every Sunday for a year and would have slipped my attention. As of today, I'm still drawing blanks upon remembering my best friend of 13 years date of birth.

I don't really know how I got here. Perhaps it's the age. Scientist says that your brain begins to slow down when you get to your mid twenties (voila!) and continues to lose its capacity at the same rate every year until the time when you enter the zone of mental incapacity, dementia and paranoia.

Living in Jakarta has certainly put me in a shell. There hasn't been a need to update myself. I haven't been to any lectures, watch a single news or read a single book. I forgot about the days of stimulative conversations with fellow thinkers or interesting propositions made by front line idea generators. The only concern these days seem to circle around being domesticated. The dogma was so overpowering that one (and one's family) will be engulfed and engrossed in the search of finding a husband. It is a tide that one can't really escape from.

Perhaps it's the sheer laziness I've let and grown accustomed to. With the advanced technology and my blackberry always within an arm's reach, I don't really find a need to remember things. Google Calendar has set it all for me. At this time, I've to meet person A in location A and I wasn't going to forget that because Google Calendar has sent me a reminder. Facebook reminds me of the people I used to go to school or work with, an acquaintance of an acquaintance, their liking, family and of course, their birthdays. Twitter summarizes my daily news and keeps me updated with the emotional state of many strangers I've never met. And all of that is easily accessible within my most prized possession, blackberry.

Or perhaps it's the self defense mechanism I've taught myself well; of remembering and forgetting. In the case of goodbyes, I have deliberately choose to remember the clear skies, the walk, the laughter we had rather than the constant fights, moments of tears and the minute a wave means an end. Certainly, situations have cornered me to carefully select which memories to keep and lose. Subconsciously however, I have mastered the art of completely forgetting things.

Whatever it is, maybe it's about the time I should pick up my Oscar Wilde book that I never seem to finish.

Raw- unedited thesis

The opening paragraphs of my thesis, unedited.

this book begins with the idea that there is no place to stay still. it is written by a single person passing through many plenums, engaging with others in the world conspiring with legions of people whose energy and ideas make the world.

in the airport departure lounge, a gate is simply a coupling device, joining two different pathways at a physical point of osculation. flight always involve at least two gates, so neither one is the gate in the system of all possible gates. the transit lounge equalizes the flows of different lines of flight allowing the human to enter into a global space of physical transition.
with the world of possibilities in mind, the work in this book moves toward the question of place with the same dynamic flow as a boeing crossing the international dateline headed for the arrival lounge at nartita airport.

starting is always occupying the everpresent now. the departure lounge is an architectural reference for a place that is not a destination but a moment within a continuous trajectory or process of movement.

what i am looking for is the in between. in between point A to B. the trajectory line that describes a person movement from Gare L'est to St Germain Des Pres. Or the stop he made in between at Rue du Mayet or as he circles around sacre couer. the world is in constant movement while architecture slowly peeled away.

Christmas

it's around the time again..

the rain, the wet ground, the wind and all...

i'll be missing all of this soon.

sunday afternoon in love

Baby...

I've been waiting for you
don't run away now
you've got nothing to lose

Baby...

I feel so alone
and I need someone
to call my own..

Baby.. ohh baby, come to me..........................

my king

I want to fall in love with You like a child..

all over again, all over again
like a child..

It will always be easy for me to just walk away. But I am taking the hard path here, to stay and continue on. Even when the wind felt much stronger than it actually is.

How much longer.. how much longer.. will I walk in this desert. These sheeps need food.. they need water and I am not wise enough to lead them.

So here I am

It's interesting to see how everyone is doing after graduation. Some still looking for jobs, some already working offshore- Tokyo, China, Dubai, etc. Some took a time off to figure 'life'. It's tough esp after the economic breakdown to even think of a job. Perhaps graduate school was the only option for some of us, which then makes applying a bad idea.

In a way, my life unfolds at His perfect timing. I have never come close to understanding His Grace until this point. It was favor upon favor, who would have thought I would get a job that I didn't even apply for and a salary I didn't even deserve a few days after my OPT activates? At this point when there're more demand than market, he could have easily hired anyone, whom I am sure will be much better than me. Surely these things, I know better as I know how much I am capable of, are wayy beyond my capabilities, beyond my control.

As I am learning my own independence, earning my own money and sucking up to my boss's anger, life hasn't really been a stroll in a park. Often times I find myself weak on my knees, already crying and ready to give up. God promised to make us prosperous but He didn't promise it will be easy.

In my weaknesses, God draws closer to me. His Grace and strength continously poured in as I am learning 'the hard way' to find joy and happiness in Him alone.

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You." Job 42:5