love does not live here anymore

I saw love waving hello..
His smile reminds me how love was
Between you and me, love was good

And I thought how you are with her
Maybe you indeed deserve fairness
So let me wave you one last goodbye..

sunday afternoon in love

Baby...

I've been waiting for you
don't run away now
you've got nothing to lose

Baby...

I feel so alone
and I need someone
to call my own..

Baby.. ohh baby, come to me..........................

When the going gets rough, my immediate reaction biasanya is complaining. Even when I personally think I am much better in this department today than yesterday, ternyata masih banyak orang yg merasa kadar komplain saya ini banyak sekali. There's always things to complain about.. selalu aja rasa kurang, rasa tidak cukup, rasa ingin semuanya, rasa tidak puas.. baik dengan keadaan, situasi, kondisi, dsb dsb. Of course tentunya lebih gampang blaming the situations rather than melihat situasi mana yang masih ada celah untuk improvement, esp your own character.

I was mad today because my boss called me up on a Sunday and told me I need to finish a drawing by tomorrow morning. I was like whaaaaaatttttttt. First of all, there hasn't been any headsup about this project, no information that I was going to work on Sunday, no nothing whatsoever dan tiba tiba cuma bilang kalo this is urgent. How could it be urgent when no one told me anything about anything? So the first thing was ranting about how unprofessional it is.. then how selfish my boss is, how ugly the project is, how I just want to quit by the very second I am thinking about it, and how I just don't care anymore and I am going to sleep and how I will just invest 2 hour in this. The mind goes around like a crazy train to the point I started to think maybe I should just get married and have a good life of shopping, going to hair salon, cooking and making babies. Why no one wants to marry me? Why? Why? Why?

Eventually I regained my consciousness and some sense start seeping into me. Jesus did not complain disaat semua orang Yahudi terus terus mencari kesalahan Dia. He did not quit meskipun Dia tau Yudas is about to betray Him but indeed He still washes Judas's feet. Bahkan disaat Dia perlu 3 org discpile utk berjaga2 dan berdoa bersama Dia, 3 disciple ini ketiduran, Jesus did not yell at them dan ngomel2 dan mencaci maki. Kalo kita mau mencoba meneliti lebih jauh, in every situation Jesus is in, the first thing He always does is giving thanks.

So the question of the day is did you have a thanksgiving heart when nothing goes your way? and have you give the best of you when nothing seems to benefit you?

my king

I want to fall in love with You like a child..

all over again, all over again
like a child..

It will always be easy for me to just walk away. But I am taking the hard path here, to stay and continue on. Even when the wind felt much stronger than it actually is.

How much longer.. how much longer.. will I walk in this desert. These sheeps need food.. they need water and I am not wise enough to lead them.

So here I am

It's interesting to see how everyone is doing after graduation. Some still looking for jobs, some already working offshore- Tokyo, China, Dubai, etc. Some took a time off to figure 'life'. It's tough esp after the economic breakdown to even think of a job. Perhaps graduate school was the only option for some of us, which then makes applying a bad idea.

In a way, my life unfolds at His perfect timing. I have never come close to understanding His Grace until this point. It was favor upon favor, who would have thought I would get a job that I didn't even apply for and a salary I didn't even deserve a few days after my OPT activates? At this point when there're more demand than market, he could have easily hired anyone, whom I am sure will be much better than me. Surely these things, I know better as I know how much I am capable of, are wayy beyond my capabilities, beyond my control.

As I am learning my own independence, earning my own money and sucking up to my boss's anger, life hasn't really been a stroll in a park. Often times I find myself weak on my knees, already crying and ready to give up. God promised to make us prosperous but He didn't promise it will be easy.

In my weaknesses, God draws closer to me. His Grace and strength continously poured in as I am learning 'the hard way' to find joy and happiness in Him alone.

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You." Job 42:5

you could be happy
and i won't know
but you weren't happy
the day i watched you go

and all the things
that i wished i had not say
Are played in loops
'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you
how we were
But not our last days of
silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember
makes me sure
I should have stopped you
from walking out the door

You could be happy
I hope you are
You made me happier
than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own
smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
it's all not true

Do the things that you always
wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
don't think, just do

More than anything
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
out of the whole world