Hey you,

I remember before I left, you gave me a hug and told me the first month will be the hardest. It was, in fact all this time. But I will still miss this place, this apartment and how cold everything is.

I am coming home. This time I won't have you to hug me anymore. But it's okay..

I'm just really tired..

At the end of the day

I realized being alone isn't exactly a good thing to do for me right now.. Although going to Spain or Ibiza on my birthday would be once in a lifetime thing, but to tell you the truth, I would rather go home and be around people who loves me too.

Yes, home to L.A. I am completely exhausted and drained emotionally more than ever.

I need someone to hug me and tell me that things will be alright.

What have I accomplished?

23 with no degree, jobless, single and not getting a day younger. WooHoo, way to go!

Observations

Feelings are distraction. That's why man succeed more than woman as they can separate feelings and objectives.

I envy man.

Will you gamble your heart on the table for me?

a thought

Isn't it ironic, it takes 4 shots of jaegermaister and 1.5 hour to fall in love with a complete stranger, but not even 100 shots of B151 and a lifetime to love yourself.

Why is it so hard when somebody else, who's not even a lover, could look you in the eye and told his own father how charming and smart you are.. but you can't even see it in your own reflection. What makes it hard?

So why be judgmental and extra critical on yourself.. if you can't even love yourself, then nobody else will.

Seriously

If Quarter Century Crisis Club has a membership, I'd be a platinum member by now.

Contemplation

Really, it wouldn't hurt if I stay. What are they going to do? Kill me? Humiliate me? I'm not even going to see them again, and even if I do, they'll probably forget this day ever happened. After Tuesday it's over and done with. It's not even a big deal and everything will be as planned. No harm is done, no one is at hurt, the stress is released, they get on with their lives, I get on with my life, they didn't lose a thing, I get what I want, what more is there to ask?

Really, some are even not fortunate enough to have my opportunity. Some are facing life and death situations.. this is really trivial.. this is just being selfish. I cannot go on running away from problems all my life. I cannot make up excuses all the time. I cannot move about countries as much as changing my handphones. Hell, I fly back and forth even more than changing my handphones.

Really, at the end of the day everything is just a memory. Maybe I should implement less complaining and more gratifying in my life. Afterall, isn't what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?

Impression

I wish I could care less what people think of me.. then perhaps I wouldn't mind if a friend don't reply to my message. I wouldn't mind if I leave good impressions or otherwise. I wouldn't mind and I could care less. It will definitely save me so much brain space.

But I do. Although I can't really deny there're some who dislike me..

Today

It's raining heavy today in Vienna. The street is quiet and my apartment is dark. Through the window I can see branches swinging to and fro.

I received a letter from a friend. Inside, he wrote a poem:

"In the pit of this long ardous struggle,
Living within a window of secret visions.
I send you these pixels of concrete jungle,
Praying this gift finds you in sweet passions"

Tell me

Will I eventually be able to see through this muddy water? Will everything be clearer and perfect with and in time? That things are really as you told me, inevitably should happen and we will see it in the long run it's the best choice for me.

Because I am really unhappy.
with situations and Vienna.

And no matter how hard, there isn't a way for me to look back. it's too late.

Lange nicht gesehen

I miss you, in the privacy of pain..

Random

Is mischief random bad luck or a repercussion of your actions?

To me, it's the latter.

In whichever case, I really blame the break up for causing so much troubles with my studio.

7 days to final

I presume it's better to have something to stress about

rather than

Be in a room with no air conditioner, 30 degrees celcius outside temperature, 35 working computers that have not been shut off for the past 5 days, 40 people stressing out models and renderings, and you're the only clueless person in that small room.

After all, isn't the most important office skill is : pretending to look busy?