i'm thinking.

of planning. of moving. of packing. of cleaning. of leaving.

of answering. of convincing. of lying.

to you.

i'm staying.

He said "give your heart a break"

I have a brand new outfit - silk chiffon with intricate beading and years of profesionally skilled designer to create it. I got it for good price, in fact, cheap for such outfit. Everyone compliments the outfit, some envy such bargain. However, the fit isn't that perfect yet. I know all I need is to gain weight for it to fall flawlessly on my body. It's easy but it takes time.

Yet I couldn't help but think of my old clothes everytime I try my new outfit. My old clothes, it's torn, a little ripped on the side, colors faded and a little too small for me to wear. It's not even considered stylish or vintage. But the fabric has been so attached, it becomes part of my skin. Wearing it again reminds me of the good and bad times I shared. It's like walking down memory lane and picking up missing pieces on the side of the road.

I tried.. I tried so hard to fix it, bring it to cleaners, tailors. I even tried to keep it in the closet and forget about it. One day out of frustation I ripped and dismembered it. It leads me nowhere but tears to run down my face.

Right now, I am wearing my new outfit. It feels okay, but I couldn't deny each and everyday I think of my old clothes even more.

Why?

You, in your simplest way, wouldn't let me forget you. It's been months yet I still miss you.

I miss you, just wanna let you know that.

This is so predictable of me. Now that I am back in Los Angeles, I couldn't feel anymore disarrayed-- scrambled.

Day in day I'm thinking of Paris, and how perfect today would be to sit in a cafe and watch people.

After all, it has only been 3 days.. He said I've just arrived. He said I'll be fine. He said he is here.

Heart

Here is what He says: " you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed "
I surrender and I will rest.

From the window

Branches swayed to and fro amidst heavy harsh wind. Vienna, it was 17 degrees. In between cold, branches pale grey skins told stories how hard its frail body tried to cling on to the ground. The struggle of pain has let all leaves betray and left along with time.

On the dark alley's wall of my flat, I watched this silence shadows masquaraded as dances. Drips of rain then became the applauding spectators.

In my own loneliness on the last day in Vienna, they remained to be my best friends.

Parndorf

Sunflower fields.. there's always something about nature that fascinates me.

One thing I'm gonna miss the most about Europe is : Paris is just a train ride away..

But life goes on, I have to move on.

Changes are always hard, but often times it's for the better.

a dollar for my plan

Adam; one of the very few smart men I've ever met in life, told me he couldn't stand complicated woman. In his words he said "smart woman is brilliant enough to simplify their life". But apparently Adam is not smart enough to judge I am one of this smart woman.

My basic instinct tells me there'll be hard adjustments, reality acceptance, revisiting past memories and pain, walking down memory lane alone, packing suitcases, leaving familiarity behind, impending problems, questions and explanations all awaiting for me back in L.A. This time however, I will try to be simple.

coz I got strengthh and I knowww where my strength comes from... shubidubidu

Give The Woman Her Shoes And She's Gonna Rule The World

The before and after effect

oui oui, tres belle tres belle

Paris is always great..

Met up with Le Don and Adam this time.

Spent our day people watching in a cafe somewhere by Opera and of course with ciggarettes and wine in hand.

And then to La Basilica du Sacre Coeur, which wasn't so bad since these two heavy chain smoker and drinker couldn't climb the stairs that fast. Paris was pretty from above. It was quiter although tourists were still around. As I got on the top of the Basilica I could see Paris up to 30 miles away which was a much rather impressive view compared to the one from Pompidou.

La Basilica was not that great- vitruvian ideals, renaissance characteristics, although completed quite recent in the time, division of sacred and profane space. I am not a big fan of churces although I must say I prefer Renaissance churches compared to Steven Holl's church.


But undoubtedly, one of the best time I had was actually not in one of these tourist spots, but rather in Adam's cramped and small apartment by Odeon; talking to this girl from Stockholm and a Parisian girl who was in our school last semester while eating pate, bread, cheese, tomato and of course with ciggarettes and rose wine in hand.

I am not a smoker at all, but I know if I were to stay in Europe for longer time. One of these days I will be one.

As I sat down on a bench somewhere in La Defense listening to the street noise and watching people, I was pretty much saddened by the fact this was my last trip to Paris before heading back to Los Angeles on the coming Monday. But like they say in Casablanca, "we will always have Paris"

Au Revoir, till next time.