painkiller

Memory Loss

2011-12-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

My brain is in a state of flux. I hadn't really noticed until one day a friend asked me to participate in a game of finding mistakes. It was indeed a simple task of focusing and selecting, but somehow it took me a great deal of mental strength. I felt as if I was pulling tons of weight using a severely stiffed muscle.

Sure the signs have always been there. I've always have trouble remembering people's name and their birthdays. A person can be around me every Sunday for a year and would have slipped my attention. As of today, I'm still drawing blanks upon remembering my best friend of 13 years date of birth.

I don't really know how I got here. Perhaps it's the age. Scientist says that your brain begins to slow down when you get to your mid twenties (voila!) and continues to lose its capacity at the same rate every year until the time when you enter the zone of mental incapacity, dementia and paranoia.

Living in Jakarta has certainly put me in a shell. There hasn't been a need to update myself. I haven't been to any lectures, watch a single news or read a single book. I forgot about the days of stimulative conversations with fellow thinkers or interesting propositions made by front line idea generators. The only concern these days seem to circle around being domesticated. The dogma was so overpowering that one (and one's family) will be engulfed and engrossed in the search of finding a husband. It is a tide that one can't really escape from.

Perhaps it's the sheer laziness I've let and grown accustomed to. With the advanced technology and my blackberry always within an arm's reach, I don't really find a need to remember things. Google Calendar has set it all for me. At this time, I've to meet person A in location A and I wasn't going to forget that because Google Calendar has sent me a reminder. Facebook reminds me of the people I used to go to school or work with, an acquaintance of an acquaintance, their liking, family and of course, their birthdays. Twitter summarizes my daily news and keeps me updated with the emotional state of many strangers I've never met. And all of that is easily accessible within my most prized possession, blackberry.

Or perhaps it's the self defense mechanism I've taught myself well; of remembering and forgetting. In the case of goodbyes, I have deliberately choose to remember the clear skies, the walk, the laughter we had rather than the constant fights, moments of tears and the minute a wave means an end. Certainly, situations have cornered me to carefully select which memories to keep and lose. Subconsciously however, I have mastered the art of completely forgetting things.

Whatever it is, maybe it's about the time I should pick up my Oscar Wilde book that I never seem to finish.

Raw- unedited thesis

2011-12-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

The opening paragraphs of my thesis, unedited.

this book begins with the idea that there is no place to stay still. it is written by a single person passing through many plenums, engaging with others in the world conspiring with legions of people whose energy and ideas make the world.

in the airport departure lounge, a gate is simply a coupling device, joining two different pathways at a physical point of osculation. flight always involve at least two gates, so neither one is the gate in the system of all possible gates. the transit lounge equalizes the flows of different lines of flight allowing the human to enter into a global space of physical transition.
with the world of possibilities in mind, the work in this book moves toward the question of place with the same dynamic flow as a boeing crossing the international dateline headed for the arrival lounge at nartita airport.

starting is always occupying the everpresent now. the departure lounge is an architectural reference for a place that is not a destination but a moment within a continuous trajectory or process of movement.

what i am looking for is the in between. in between point A to B. the trajectory line that describes a person movement from Gare L'est to St Germain Des Pres. Or the stop he made in between at Rue du Mayet or as he circles around sacre couer. the world is in constant movement while architecture slowly peeled away.

Christmas

2009-12-17T02:30:00.000-08:00

it's around the time again..

the rain, the wet ground, the wind and all...

i'll be missing all of this soon.

sunday afternoon in love

2009-04-16T15:46:00.001-07:00

Baby...

I've been waiting for you
don't run away now
you've got nothing to lose

Baby...

I feel so alone
and I need someone
to call my own..

Baby.. ohh baby, come to me..........................

my king

2008-11-25T01:25:00.000-08:00

I want to fall in love with You like a child..

all over again, all over again
like a child..

2008-11-17T02:15:00.000-08:00

It will always be easy for me to just walk away. But I am taking the hard path here, to stay and continue on. Even when the wind felt much stronger than it actually is.

How much longer.. how much longer.. will I walk in this desert. These sheeps need food.. they need water and I am not wise enough to lead them.

So here I am

2008-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to see how everyone is doing after graduation. Some still looking for jobs, some already working offshore- Tokyo, China, Dubai, etc. Some took a time off to figure 'life'. It's tough esp after the economic breakdown to even think of a job. Perhaps graduate school was the only option for some of us, which then makes applying a bad idea.

In a way, my life unfolds at His perfect timing. I have never come close to understanding His Grace until this point. It was favor upon favor, who would have thought I would get a job that I didn't even apply for and a salary I didn't even deserve a few days after my OPT activates? At this point when there're more demand than market, he could have easily hired anyone, whom I am sure will be much better than me. Surely these things, I know better as I know how much I am capable of, are wayy beyond my capabilities, beyond my control.

As I am learning my own independence, earning my own money and sucking up to my boss's anger, life hasn't really been a stroll in a park. Often times I find myself weak on my knees, already crying and ready to give up. God promised to make us prosperous but He didn't promise it will be easy.

In my weaknesses, God draws closer to me. His Grace and strength continously poured in as I am learning 'the hard way' to find joy and happiness in Him alone.

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You." Job 42:5

2008-06-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

you could be happy
and i won't know
but you weren't happy
the day i watched you go

and all the things
that i wished i had not say
Are played in loops
'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you
how we were
But not our last days of
silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember
makes me sure
I should have stopped you
from walking out the door

You could be happy
I hope you are
You made me happier
than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own
smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
it's all not true

Do the things that you always
wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
don't think, just do

More than anything
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
out of the whole world

2008-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

What have I accomplished?
24 with a degree, job, still single and sadly not getting a day younger. WooHoo, way to go!

2008-05-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

We went to see jeff koons on sunday afternoon. The piece was blobish, dimplish, simply mind blowing. In the middle of it, you gave me a peck on my forehead. It was amazing...

2008-05-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

so happy to finally be
on the gate, bags checked in, ready to
leave this place, you and whatever tears running against the wind
I never would feel again,

not in this flight
nor my imagination.

you could have saved it. you should have seen it better.
you could have not given up but you were too afraid.
to lose you more than to lose me... three chances you said, it's all done and gone.

2008-03-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

you are

4 steps more to love.

and

4 steps away from heart break.

2008-03-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

Here's to everything you've done and did not do. wished to do, hoped to do, regret to do, and regret doing. Should have done, could have done. And to everything I'm glad you did. Period

I'm laying all my chips flat on the table. Let's see what you've got on your card

you left, i left

2008-02-22T23:12:00.000-08:00

It struck me. After years. There is no place but here. the same spot, at the same street. the same corner, of the same traffic light.looking at the same screen, not talking, not listening, not thinking, just staring and staring and staring and staring until the night came. tomorrow is the same day. the same ritual, the same waking up, taking shower, the same exact routines. time got lost in me. or I got lost in time. Memories fade with passing time, or time fades in memory. seconds after seconds. minutes after minutes, hour, day, month, year. the same exact routines, the same people. the same spot, the same dress. the same color. the same expression. the same eyeball. tired and weary.

Time to go home now.

Fall and Spring

2008-02-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

Well they tried to stay in from the cold and the wind
Making love and making their dinner
Only to find that the love that they grew in the summer
Froze

first cut is the deepest

2008-01-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

The first time was from a hug
after a bottle of rose wine and tons of laughter
that leads on to the first kiss
which made me first realized
of things i never thought i would do
then came the first trip together
first thing in the morning, a breakfast at central park
so for the first time, everyone had a confidence
"an older working man and that was first!
this could last, if you first clean up your act", they said
for the first time they started talking about the last subject- marriage
and for the first time, i realized i couldn't feel him anymore.

yesterday was the first day i found a stranger sitting silently in the living room
not even there, a thousand miles away

2008-01-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

He is beautiful. He is handsome. He is charming. He is witty. He is class. He is smart. He speaks of love to the moon right before the sun turns him into a she.

Now she is lost amidst the smoke of her own cigarettes.

2008-01-08T17:46:00.000-08:00

This year is my year! The Rat

Life hasn't came back to its normal pace. school just started, flu just gotten over, room is still messy as ever..

I'm off to New Orleans in 3 weeks to view the site for our proposal of single residential family housing in N.O after the Katrina hurricane that supposedly Brad Pitt also played a role. It's gonna be exciting as this will be a design/build project, we'll have licensed architect and structural engineer working with us. I am hoping to get the ultimate best out of my last studio.

I've been bouncing back and forth between thesis or not. The argument was still weak for me to pursue something I was not sure of. Otherwise the real reason of backing out from thesis was really 'chickening out'. I am now are confident with my own decision to take another studio .. coz I can have the time to do japanese ink painting and photography class as well.

how exiciting, i'm exicited... plus with my pay check that I received yesterday. It's gonna be a blast!

2007-12-30T06:01:00.000-08:00

30th dec, 5 a.m, widely awake. anxious ohh anxiety

this year recaps:

ticket to london: $800
english breakfast: 10 pound
lazy day in brittish museum: priceless
one train ride to paris: 80 euro
hotel mayet: 95 euro per night
shopping spree in paris: we don't wanna know
sitting by sacre couer on a breezy afternoon: priceless
u bahn ride: 30 euro
concert at museumquartier: free
coffee ice cream at belvedere: 3 euro
having Zaha Hadid screamed at us: priceless
no of shoes at the end of the trip: we don't want to know
car ride to san francisco: $30 per person
chased by the police for speeding: priceless
roundtrip ticket to new york: $300
two night at the Hudson: $200/night
le pain breakfast: $10
him coming over to see you in NYC for just a day: priceless =)
thanksgiving retreat: $150
the experience: extremely priceless

this year has been good in a bad way and bad in a good way

new year resolution:

1.
2.
3. graduate
4. learn french

all by myself

2007-11-20T11:41:00.000-08:00

it's about time
I have to pack my bags
and leave town...

3d print

2007-11-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

New lighting technique I learn

What do you think?

Happy Anniversary

2007-11-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

Walk on by.. foolish pride..

One phone call to Paris. One returned call to San Francisco.

I just can't get over losing you..

We could have made it that far.

When you see me walkin' down the street..

2007-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Last night lecture was pretty good, unexpected. Wolf Prix, I've seen him quite a lot during my stay in Vienna. One of the most jovial character and one who considers fun is architecture.

He told us a story:
30 years ago when I was still in architecture school, my teacher came to us and told us he is a Santa Claus now because he is going to build the BMW headquarter in Munich.
When I received a call from BMW people that I won the project for BMW, I immediately know what to teach my students. I went to school (die angewandte) and told my students that the best lesson you can ever get is patience, who knows one day your building will be standing beside my building the way my building is now standing beside my professor's building.

Being radical is not only thinking radical, but doing radical.

I was in Munich last Spring when BMW welt was still in construction. I thought it was ugly. I don't know what it is but it sits there.

I thought it was the ugliest thing I've ever seen, but I remember every detail of it correctly and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

Lately I've been really bummed out with thesis and studio because there's a self-expectancy to do it the right way for the right result in a quick pace. Moreover, there hasn't been enough time spent privately with the adviser regarding each projects; no guidance, not enough time, no inspiration and no confidence to deal with anything. I'm lost.. and burning out. I feel the only thing I'm really good at after 5 years of education is criticism. Nothing is as easy as it used to be all my life. There's competition, there's the dog eat dog kind of world, even among students. What's worse I'm giving myself pressure... too much pressure

=(

2007-11-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

It's officially Fall. Yes the cold, the wind, the gloom.. and the great downfall of my thesis altogether with studio.

2007-11-05T13:43:00.000-08:00

We used to sit in the same bus to school. It's the 154, hers to Bukit Timah, mine to 6th avenue. Sometimes we would stop buy to that supermarket in Bukit Timah Plaza for a quick sushi bite. And now she's getting married, and she wanted me home to Singapore next year in December.

One by one settles on with respective spouses. No, it's not that I want to get married too.. It's just why don't I ever find anyone who makes me feel like I want to marry him?

On Crisis

2007-11-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

He asked me what's the center of my life. He said the center of my life would be something I put most of my time into. So I said it's school.

He said maybe it's not really school. Maybe I was using school as a reason.. to get away from everything and everyone, even him. Perhaps I did that so I don't have to face life and I make architecture my life.

He said I have a wall, a different kind of wall for a different kind of people. He said he couldn't get to me as I never let him in, "no one could". He said I am the sum of everybody's remembrance, but no one simple memory of me is exactly me.

So I wonder where I have dissapeared. When I have dissapeared. Why I dissapeared.

My friends have so much faith in me, but I don't. How ironic it is.

2007-10-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

he is not you
you are not him
both of you are different
but both of you said the same thing

"I don't know about next year, what's gonna happen, what's gonna be"

2007-10-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

Today is almost several years ago. There is that similiar cold, that familiar rain drops.

I remember the wet leaves on the ground, wind blewing against my face and things I talked about in your warm tiny little room, sometime in the afternoon.

Today I am sad and really there's nothing much to say.

not a word to say

just my imagination

2007-10-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

and I imagine you,

in that blue shirt, in that lobby, in that hotel, in new york, staring at your laptop religiously as you work.

and I stole a glance of you

really, I imagine it was you.

in between the dimming lights, in that clean short hair cut, in the look that he gave me back

and somehow I imagine it was you..

I get to eat my cake

2007-09-17T21:21:00.001-07:00

"It's practical, he gets what he wants, I get what I want"

"everything and each other"

"exactly!! a completely selfless win-win beneficial situation, couldn't get any better"

"a decent dinner meal menu!"

"and no drama"

"yeah no drama"

"I get to have my cake and eat it too!!"

"what about love?"

"what about love? what love?"
-silence-

I don't know anymore

2007-09-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

honestly,
do you think I could love you like I've never been hurt?

house keys dangling along with mine
and certain smile from across the mile
means more than this room could offer

if i stay it would not be enough
if i leave it might be better

honestly,
could you love me like I've never been hurt?

2007-09-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

My body hasn't been forgiving lately- back is aching, hormones raging, head swinging, joints feel like they're dismantling. 23 but I feel like 32

Last night was a mere stay up from 4 a.m to the next 3 a.m. and here I am staring at the keyboard for the past 10 mins for nothing. Maybe I should start to exercise. But what exercise?

I would rather be sleeping.

LOVE

2007-09-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

My goal is to own this ring before 60. Yes, my forever vast obsession towards Panthère de Cartier ring. Set with brilliant diamonds and sections of sapphire.. what an exquisite sophisticated ring.

This everlasting love of mine sure comes in a very high price tag.

missing mr.goodness

2007-09-13T04:46:00.001-07:00

accidentally

goodness, I think I am liking you.

it was, an inch close to love

2007-09-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

and yet, a ceaseless wait.
a reply, that's all.
to conversation lost between cables.

Moving On

2007-09-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

I consider having remnants of past relationships all over your bedroom never is a good sign, let alone your computer. 3 different hard drives, several hidden folders, pieces jumbled here and there inside and around my bedroom and I wonder when will be the perfect time for my heart to finally let go.

It was okay, it was really sad, it was good, as good as good goes. Four different bouquets of roses from three different individuals are stacked together nicely inside the same vase. All hold different sentimental values, different memories, separate pieces of my heart whilst now really do nothing but staring.. staring blankly at me.

"It's too late. We had a lot of chance. It's all over now" He said and I did not forget.

Sweet words written ecstatically inside your hand made card, what should I do with it? Ticking time in your watch, what should I do with it? Kisses and tears, whom should I give to? They are scattered all over. I don't want, I don't want another different man to be wearing the same sleeping T-shirt again.

Really I am almost ready to throw them all out, from my room, from my heart.

Somehow

2007-09-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

I feel adequate and happy

2007-09-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

perhaps your ideal partner in life is the sum of all positivity existed in past boyfriends/girlfriends, which is an inch close to impossibilty. these sets of ideals are almost unattainable and although you may claim not to compare but your unconscious mind constantly compares.

there could never be a state of equillibrium.

and maybe, just a maybe, the idea of having two or three at once should be very reasonable.

Indebt

2007-08-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

should our reality eventually transpire after your suppressed silence which has transcended space, time and emotions?

you know baby, maybe, memories aren't that easy to forget.

This is not a love song

2007-08-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid one day I'll be in the picture: inside a house with spiraling stairs, marbled white floor and Corinthian columns; entitled 'my hubby and I on my 35th birthday'; looking all drained and tired; no remaining friends nor vivacity to life.

And seriously I don't think 'my hubby' will look any fabulous either.

it's beautiful

2007-08-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

The fun part of morning comes when you wear an outfit, put on a different make up and pretend you be person A, or perhaps person B, maybe it's good to be person C, whatever it is just for today. In that split second you recreate your life into a one day short film called "the birth and death of person --"

Dave Brubeck Night

2007-08-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

The sun has came down. The crowd was unpretentious. The street behind Hollywood Bowl Stage and the sky were particularly empty. We had with us our share bottle of wine, expired cheese, overly hard baguette and Dave Brubeck Quartet to fill in the night.

Then there was you... looking at me with that look and smile of yours. Punch drunk darling, we are punch drunk.

It was nice, your little thoughtful surprise.

2007-08-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

4 bottles of wine later, life couldn't be more confusing

The Shitty Ex

2007-08-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

There are many sorrys a person could say in hope for forgiveness, but really that many sorrys are never enough to forgive own heart.

I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...

Well isn't it too late now?

"I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh, actions of mine
When patience is in short supply"

2007-08-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

"Where do we go who knows?

But each day gets better

I just can't let her go

Each kiss gets sweeter

I just can't leave her no..."

As cheesy as this song is, I think I am glad that we're heading to nowhere..

Yes darling, as long as we're hand in hand, side by side.

Alone Again Naturally

2007-08-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

If there could be one perfect solution to solve love and relationship- the question of if he/she is the perfect one, what would it be?

I say let's not commit ourself. Aren't we too tired by now to believe commitment is definitely the last thing anyone could ever need? I could no longer see the purpose of relationship with status. Boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, is just a job title. I believe if we want to survive, our relationship has to transcend all these.

Therefore, I would still be dating other people and I encourage you to do as so. At the end of the day, if you're still hanging around my mind then maybe we could talk about going further. But if you happen to be not, sadly I probably aren't worth your time.

Everything is obviously casual, preferably completely platonic. Let's try this and I hope we'll find out the answer.. at the end of the day.

2007-07-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking.

of planning. of moving. of packing. of cleaning. of leaving.

of answering. of convincing. of lying.

to you.

i'm staying.

2007-07-18T11:17:00.001-07:00

He said "give your heart a break"

2007-07-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

I have a brand new outfit - silk chiffon with intricate beading and years of profesionally skilled designer to create it. I got it for good price, in fact, cheap for such outfit. Everyone compliments the outfit, some envy such bargain. However, the fit isn't that perfect yet. I know all I need is to gain weight for it to fall flawlessly on my body. It's easy but it takes time.

Yet I couldn't help but think of my old clothes everytime I try my new outfit. My old clothes, it's torn, a little ripped on the side, colors faded and a little too small for me to wear. It's not even considered stylish or vintage. But the fabric has been so attached, it becomes part of my skin. Wearing it again reminds me of the good and bad times I shared. It's like walking down memory lane and picking up missing pieces on the side of the road.

I tried.. I tried so hard to fix it, bring it to cleaners, tailors. I even tried to keep it in the closet and forget about it. One day out of frustation I ripped and dismembered it. It leads me nowhere but tears to run down my face.

Right now, I am wearing my new outfit. It feels okay, but I couldn't deny each and everyday I think of my old clothes even more.

Why?

2007-07-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

You, in your simplest way, wouldn't let me forget you. It's been months yet I still miss you.

I miss you, just wanna let you know that.

2007-07-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

This is so predictable of me. Now that I am back in Los Angeles, I couldn't feel anymore disarrayed-- scrambled.

Day in day I'm thinking of Paris, and how perfect today would be to sit in a cafe and watch people.

After all, it has only been 3 days.. He said I've just arrived. He said I'll be fine. He said he is here.

Heart

2007-07-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Here is what He says: " you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed "
I surrender and I will rest.

From the window

2007-07-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

Branches swayed to and fro amidst heavy harsh wind. Vienna, it was 17 degrees. In between cold, branches pale grey skins told stories how hard its frail body tried to cling on to the ground. The struggle of pain has let all leaves betray and left along with time.

On the dark alley's wall of my flat, I watched this silence shadows masquaraded as dances. Drips of rain then became the applauding spectators.

In my own loneliness on the last day in Vienna, they remained to be my best friends.

Parndorf

2007-07-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

Sunflower fields.. there's always something about nature that fascinates me.

2007-07-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

One thing I'm gonna miss the most about Europe is : Paris is just a train ride away..

But life goes on, I have to move on.

Changes are always hard, but often times it's for the better.

a dollar for my plan

2007-07-01T16:13:00.001-07:00

Adam; one of the very few smart men I've ever met in life, told me he couldn't stand complicated woman. In his words he said "smart woman is brilliant enough to simplify their life". But apparently Adam is not smart enough to judge I am one of this smart woman.

My basic instinct tells me there'll be hard adjustments, reality acceptance, revisiting past memories and pain, walking down memory lane alone, packing suitcases, leaving familiarity behind, impending problems, questions and explanations all awaiting for me back in L.A. This time however, I will try to be simple.

coz I got strengthh and I knowww where my strength comes from... shubidubidu

Give The Woman Her Shoes And She's Gonna Rule The World

2007-07-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

The before and after effect

oui oui, tres belle tres belle

2007-07-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

Paris is always great..

Met up with Le Don and Adam this time.

Spent our day people watching in a cafe somewhere by Opera and of course with ciggarettes and wine in hand.

And then to La Basilica du Sacre Coeur, which wasn't so bad since these two heavy chain smoker and drinker couldn't climb the stairs that fast. Paris was pretty from above. It was quiter although tourists were still around. As I got on the top of the Basilica I could see Paris up to 30 miles away which was a much rather impressive view compared to the one from Pompidou.

La Basilica was not that great- vitruvian ideals, renaissance characteristics, although completed quite recent in the time, division of sacred and profane space. I am not a big fan of churces although I must say I prefer Renaissance churches compared to Steven Holl's church.

But undoubtedly, one of the best time I had was actually not in one of these tourist spots, but rather in Adam's cramped and small apartment by Odeon; talking to this girl from Stockholm and a Parisian girl who was in our school last semester while eating pate, bread, cheese, tomato and of course with ciggarettes and rose wine in hand.

I am not a smoker at all, but I know if I were to stay in Europe for longer time. One of these days I will be one.

As I sat down on a bench somewhere in La Defense listening to the street noise and watching people, I was pretty much saddened by the fact this was my last trip to Paris before heading back to Los Angeles on the coming Monday. But like they say in Casablanca, "we will always have Paris"

Au Revoir, till next time.

2007-06-25T15:08:00.001-07:00

Hey you,

I remember before I left, you gave me a hug and told me the first month will be the hardest. It was, in fact all this time. But I will still miss this place, this apartment and how cold everything is.

I am coming home. This time I won't have you to hug me anymore. But it's okay..

I'm just really tired..

At the end of the day

2007-06-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

I realized being alone isn't exactly a good thing to do for me right now.. Although going to Spain or Ibiza on my birthday would be once in a lifetime thing, but to tell you the truth, I would rather go home and be around people who loves me too.

Yes, home to L.A. I am completely exhausted and drained emotionally more than ever.

I need someone to hug me and tell me that things will be alright.

What have I accomplished?

2007-06-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

23 with no degree, jobless, single and not getting a day younger. WooHoo, way to go!

Observations

2007-06-24T03:12:00.000-07:00

Feelings are distraction. That's why man succeed more than woman as they can separate feelings and objectives.

I envy man.

2007-06-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

Will you gamble your heart on the table for me?

a thought

2007-06-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

Isn't it ironic, it takes 4 shots of jaegermaister and 1.5 hour to fall in love with a complete stranger, but not even 100 shots of B151 and a lifetime to love yourself.

Why is it so hard when somebody else, who's not even a lover, could look you in the eye and told his own father how charming and smart you are.. but you can't even see it in your own reflection. What makes it hard?

So why be judgmental and extra critical on yourself.. if you can't even love yourself, then nobody else will.

Seriously

2007-06-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

If Quarter Century Crisis Club has a membership, I'd be a platinum member by now.

Contemplation

2007-06-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

Really, it wouldn't hurt if I stay. What are they going to do? Kill me? Humiliate me? I'm not even going to see them again, and even if I do, they'll probably forget this day ever happened. After Tuesday it's over and done with. It's not even a big deal and everything will be as planned. No harm is done, no one is at hurt, the stress is released, they get on with their lives, I get on with my life, they didn't lose a thing, I get what I want, what more is there to ask?

Really, some are even not fortunate enough to have my opportunity. Some are facing life and death situations.. this is really trivial.. this is just being selfish. I cannot go on running away from problems all my life. I cannot make up excuses all the time. I cannot move about countries as much as changing my handphones. Hell, I fly back and forth even more than changing my handphones.

Really, at the end of the day everything is just a memory. Maybe I should implement less complaining and more gratifying in my life. Afterall, isn't what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?

Impression

2007-06-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I could care less what people think of me.. then perhaps I wouldn't mind if a friend don't reply to my message. I wouldn't mind if I leave good impressions or otherwise. I wouldn't mind and I could care less. It will definitely save me so much brain space.

But I do. Although I can't really deny there're some who dislike me..

Today

2007-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's raining heavy today in Vienna. The street is quiet and my apartment is dark. Through the window I can see branches swinging to and fro.

I received a letter from a friend. Inside, he wrote a poem:

"In the pit of this long ardous struggle,
Living within a window of secret visions.
I send you these pixels of concrete jungle,
Praying this gift finds you in sweet passions"

Tell me

2007-06-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Will I eventually be able to see through this muddy water? Will everything be clearer and perfect with and in time? That things are really as you told me, inevitably should happen and we will see it in the long run it's the best choice for me.

Because I am really unhappy.
with situations and Vienna.

And no matter how hard, there isn't a way for me to look back. it's too late.

Lange nicht gesehen

2007-06-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

I miss you, in the privacy of pain..

Random

2007-06-19T13:56:00.001-07:00

Is mischief random bad luck or a repercussion of your actions?

To me, it's the latter.

In whichever case, I really blame the break up for causing so much troubles with my studio.

7 days to final

2007-06-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

I presume it's better to have something to stress about

rather than

Be in a room with no air conditioner, 30 degrees celcius outside temperature, 35 working computers that have not been shut off for the past 5 days, 40 people stressing out models and renderings, and you're the only clueless person in that small room.

After all, isn't the most important office skill is : pretending to look busy?

Spring Love

2007-04-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Spring has arrived.. The wind has blown away dark clouds and sun begins to ray its light. Flowers blossom as far as the eyes can see. Here and there, bees are playing joyfully with tulips. The sweet enchanting smell of flowers are up in the air. Birds are chirping, singing sweet melodies of the spring time.

As I sit by myself in the park I realized, It's a sign of new life.